Almost a decade ago, I fell in love with a beautiful girl. We were young, I was dumb and a couple years later she decided to leave me. Since then, for me, the world has had this grey filter over it. Food lost it’s appeal, my sense of self deteriorated to nothing and I began to put myself into dangerous situations just to get her attention or to feel alive again.
Countless nights were spent thinking about her until the wee hours of the morning. My drive and passion that I once had for life had been replaced by this terrible void that I felt within. Depression had it’s roots deep in my heart and soul. I picked up the guitar and wrote some songs describing how I felt, but then those songs just became the soundtrack for the next few years.
With every pluck of a string or singing of a note, I relived the loss of her love with every song I played. The spiral of negativity greatly affected me and I started becoming a cancerous dark cloud to those around me. I unconsciously pushed those away who could’ve helped me the most, during that trying time.
Over time, the pain that I felt was so persistent that eventually my body became used to it. Feelings of sadness and thoughts of madness became the norm and eventually I became desensitized. Numbness was the new me. I shut out the outside to my little world in my room and retreated to protect what little was left of me from any further pain.
Luckily for me, I was introduced to the ways of the medicine, Ayahuasca and my self destructive pattern stopped it’s forward progress. But after years of establishing this habit of hating myself and disliking everything around me that wasn’t feeling as bad as I was, I wasn’t improving…just not getting worse.
I knew that, how I was at that moment, wasn’t what I should be. I knew there was a different me that used to enjoy life. Somewhere in the back of my mind I could hear the old me calling faintly from a distance. I tried my hardest to focus on that voice and to make it louder but I had calcified my heart. There was no way to bring back the old me, with my head running the show and leaving the heart locked up in the back.
Finally, just the other week, I heard that little voice again, only this time it was stronger. Like an iceberg melting off huge sheets into water, I started to allow myself to feel again. After years of mental and emotional bondage, I wanted to free myself and hold hands with someone! I wanted to hold them close to me and tell them how much I appreciated them in my life. I wanted to tell them how much faster my heart beats when I see them smile at me. I just wanted to share the love that I felt in my heart for them.
I didn’t say it to her but it means the world to me that she (without knowing) has helped me so much. Regardless of whether I am loved the same in return by her, I am just so grateful that I CAN LOVE AGAIN.
It breaks my heart that I allowed myself to be this way for so long and missed out on so many good times and great friendships/relationships but I am here to say that I’m coming back. I don’t want the grey days and sleepless nights. I want to see the world with all of its colors. I want to feel every feeling with every fiber of my body.
Thank you to those who have stuck around waiting for me to come back to my senses. Thank you to those who didn’t know the real me from before but saw a glimmer of hope inside the muted me. And thank you to the person who helped me find myself once more. There are no words that can tell you how much love I have for you.